A Penny for your thoughts: Year of the Dark Skin Girl

Dear Pennies & Pens, 

I’m supposed to be asleep right now. But I can’t sleep because the Queen Mother told me to get up and declare: It’s the Year of the Dark Skin Girl. The other day, I was daydreaming when all of a sudden — a new song title: “Year of the Dark Skin Girl” popped into my head. So I grabbed my songwriting book and started writing the first verse.

By now you’re like wayment, hold up, when did Penny become a songwriter? Since quarantine, little baby. I told you in my last post that I’m rediscovering my passions and I’m about to launch a brand new product line via ISLP. Y’all gotta pay attention. I told you I would be putting all of my dopest freshest content here in my online magazine. Social media is just for fun and when I feel like it. I’ll post teasers and short promo but no more free content. 

So anyway, on Friday, I had to run to Kroger to grab a few things. While in line, I saw a copy of the latest issue of Vanity Fair. Viola Davis (one of my favorite actresses) is on the cover. But what is so incredibly dope about the image is the way that it is shot. It is shot in very dark lighting and Viola is wearing a dark blue/violet colored dress. It literally highlights her dark skin. 

As a fellow darker than a paper bag girl, I felt that image with every fiber of my being. It is so artistic and beautiful. I absolutely love it! Major props to the stylist & photographer as well as Viola for creating such amazing work. 

Over the years, I’ve noticed that Viola has been extremely outspoken about her trials and tribulations as a Black and dark skinned actress. I respect her for that because it’s already harder for her to get roles and her outspoken personality probably makes it even harder. Why? Because Hollywood has traditionally shunned people who are too “political”. So major props for Viola for not being afraid to fight for change. 

After seeing that image, I knew I had to share it on social media because I couldn’t afford to buy a copy. Penny ain’t got nothing but pennies, y’all but I wanted to show love. When I posted it to my IG story, I used the hashtag #Yearofthedarkskingirl because I wanted to make a public proclamation. 

You see, I’ve spent the last decade of my life being bullied by a lighter woman. I just never knew it until recently. For so long, I was friends with this person in addition to working with them. So for years, I made excuses for them, felt bad for them. I watched them play the victim and blame everyone else for what is wrong in their life. 

Even worse, I fed into the toxicity. Don’t get it twisted — I had and have my own issues too. I cannot blame that person for everything that’s gone wrong in my life. And I would never try to. 

But looking back on it, this person was mistreating and abusing me no different than how other people treated them. It is true what they say — hurt people, hurt people. So Pennies & Pens, stay away from broken people — you cannot fix them. 

I did everything I could to help that girl. I built the website, got us clients, created proposals, pulled clothes for photoshoots, pitched to clients & sponsors, managed our social media, planned events, styled shoots, and shot photos for clients. I did all of this in addition to writing, editing and publishing two books and two travel guides. All while also maintaining various different full time jobs. Lol, LoudPen is fuckin amazing. 

See the problem is, for years, I internalized this feeling that lighter & white women are prettier than me. Which of course makes me think they also deserve more and should be treated better. So I’ve carried this less than feeling which made me devalue myself. 

And none of this the fault of the person I just mentioned. I want to make it clear that I am not seeking to blame them or play the victim. I am just calling them out for their bullshit. And doing so in the classiest way. By not mentioning their name because they know who the fuck they are. 

I had to delete what I just wrote because I was about to continue going off. But then I said nah, Pen, don’t let that LOUD out. So I put a cap on it. 

The fact is, I’ve let this person go and that’s all that matters. Once you truly let someone go, they can’t hurt you anymore. I think this post is my final healing. I’ve prayed about it, journaled about it, spoken to family & friends about it, and now I’m publicly stating it on the innanet. But I didn’t want to be super messy calling them out by name because it’s not worth it. 

It’s been obvious for some time. I just never wanted to admit it. That’s why I said that I was not blaming them or playing the victim. Because I allowed it to happen. I didn’t see my own worth or value. Like I said earlier, I had this insecurity that I wasn’t as good, smart or pretty as lighter & white women. 

I have no idea where the insecurity came from. Oh wait, yes, I do. It comes from actually being treated as if I’m less by men as well as lighter & white women. It was literal and constant. Especially in the workplace. If my white and light coworkers saw me working hard, they would immediately start doing less or nothing at all. It has happened to me at every single job I’ve ever had. 

You see the fucked up thing that my former boss, a white male taught me is that: perception is reality. I never wanted to admit it, but it’s true. If people perceive you to be a certain thing, then that’s what you are. Not really, but what I mean is: in so many ways, we’re what people judge us to be and not who we actually are. 

Historically, darker Black people were the field slaves who were treated horrifically. Obviously, all slavery is completely unjust and unfair but darker enslaved Africans and Black Americans were treated especially bad. This comes from two things: one Europeans have always valued lighter skin because historically, the wealthy had lighter skin since they spent less time in the sun. So lighter skin was valued over darker skin. Two: the lighter skin Black people were usually biracial aka the children of the white slave owners. So both white & light people, discriminated against darker people for these reasons. Note: in this paragraph, I’m talking about history, but it should also be noted that some of these same behaviors still happen within our society. 

To go back to my point about perception, my previous white and light coworkers literally perceived me as that dark skin slave girl without even realizing it. The thing about discrimination and racism is that so many of the people who are guilty of it don’t even realize it. They are completely oblivious to their own privilege.  

With these coworkers, it was like this: once they saw that someone else would do it, they literally stopped. They began to move within their own sense of entitlement. Oh I don’t have to because Penny will do it. Penny’s better at it than me, so why should I try? The worst was when they’d do one thing and then act like it was supposed to move heaven and earth. 

But in July of 2020, Penny said no more. I sent one text: “Goodnight and good luck with everything.” Pennies & Pens, it’s the year of the dark skin girl. 

And there it is. de la Pen…All Pen Everything. With us, keeping real never goes wrong.